Paul R.
Yelp
"What?! Are you kidding me with that?!" Chuck dubitably questioned of Roger. "You mean to tell me that this girl you went out with had intimacy-enhancing devices that plugged into wall outlets?! I just can't believe that!"
"I kid you not, my friend!" Roger confidently replied, holding his hand up in front of his face. "Apparently, the days of safer, battery-operated equipment are long behind us. Women require higher voltage in unbelievable amounts! And I'm not talking about a standard electric plug, either! I'm talking about the heavy duty 4-gauge three pronged plugs! When she said she wanted to try something new that night and I saw the cord fall out of the dresser drawer and hit the floor with a thud, I thought she was going to proposition me to build her a new set of kitchen cabinets!"
"Dear God!" shouted Chuck. "4-gauge wire?! What the hell was it, some sort of a cervical belt sander?!"
"I'm actually not even sure what it was because I was quite literally stunned by the sheer amount of other AC powered contraptions she had in her possession!" Roger exclaimed. "She had such a huge stash, I felt like the Feds on a successful sting operation for contraband materials! There were OSHA violations all over the place! I mean, can you imagine putting something into an orifice of your body that's plugged into a 120V line?!"
"That is astonishing!" Chuck said with a mouth agape look of shock. "Just astonishing!"
"Oh, but I have to say that her nipple clamps were the worst of the bunch" Roger stated intently while leaning forward. "I swear to God, they were so powerful, she had an arc of electricity crackling between her nipples! It was like getting up close and personal with a Tesla Coil! How would you like to go to bed with a woman that required you to wear proper PPE?!"
"Before you touch her, you have to discharge her like a capacitor with a Brinkley stick" said Chuck shaking his head. "It's just like Mission: Impossible."
"Damn right!" cried Roger. "I refuse to stare death in the face each night as my girl is hard-wired to the wall! I think I even saw the lights in the house dim a few times!"
Chuckling amongst themselves, Roger and Chuck continued their conversation while sampling breathtaking wines from Graham Beck vineyards of South Africa. Thursday evenings from 5 PM until 7 PM, Keife and Co. routinely hosts free unique tastings from wineries located in all regions of the world. This evening proved even more special with the appearance of Graham Beck's resident cellarmaster, Pieter Ferreira, who cordially poured glasses, signed bottles and detailed the intricacies in producing each of his epic creations. The event was capped off by additional samples of Keife & Co.'s artisan meats and cheeses; the standouts being the aged gouda and prosciutto. Often, the nearby restaurant, Tivoli & Lee, hand-delivers their own kitchen creations which are also shared during the tastings. The gatherings are always jovial, the owners so kind and informative and the warm ambiance provides a rare experience to wine connoisseurs of beautiful New Orleans.
As the tasting event came to a close and Roger was completing his purchase of a vintage Graham Beck Rose', Chuck queried him. "Doesn't it suck when you're with someone that you slowly discover over time possesses weird physical features?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Roger. "You mean, you find your girl has hair in places monkeys don't or she has huge, rough manly hands like she's been laying bricks and mortar all day long? I think the unibrow would also be pretty bad."
"Yeah, that or a lazy eye" said Chuck.
"A lazy eye?" laughed Roger.
"I'm serious, man!" cried Chuck. "I was with a girl once that had eyes that rolled around in her head independently just like a fish! I'd put something in front of her and she'd tip her head to the side to look at it like a bird! I didn't know what to do and I was freaked out every time I looked at her because I felt like she could see me from like, any angle, like a chameleon at the pet store!"
"How about the shaping underwear they sell on those late night infomercials that try to conceal ghastly butt flab?" Roger retorted. "I guess they are supposed to work like a rolling pin, dispersing even doses of fat across the vast plains. Once the underwear comes off, their butt looks like a huge turtle shell on their back! Makes one want to scream '"Heroes in a half shell!"
"Turtle Power!" shouted Chuck.
EL FINAL