Julian W.
Yelp
Our time here started out with a miserable bang and ended with in painful torment. What an absolute waste of our money. This was the disappointment of our entire trip to Vieques Island this past week. First of all, for an island that is bustling with tourists, nothing is open past 10pm. The only place that was open late was Lazy Jack's and multiple people (including locals) recommended this place to us. We were very tired after a night out at the Bio Bay (which by the way, also felt like a scam, but I'll leave that story for another review) so we wanted to grab some quick bites at Lazy Jack's, since that was the only place that was open.
When we walked in, my two friends were allowed in, but the waiter stopped me and our fourth friend from entering. He proceeded to ask us for our IDs, presumably to check that we were of age. This was very confusing as we have never been carded at all during our entire trip in Puerto Rico. We then proceeded to reach in our purses for our IDs when his friend told us that the waiter was kidding. This was very confusing for us but we stumbled past the waiter to sit with our friends. When we sat down, we noticed that the crowd around us was very weird (I will get to that later), but we proceeded to order food because we were too hungry to care. The prices were absolutely outrageous. It was even worse than those tourist traps you see in San Juan where the cashier is some old man who won't stop staring at your nonexistent boobs and you get charged $8 for an umbrella because the price of the umbrella is like stock prices and went up by 200% because you bought the umbrella while it was raining outside (this is the only part of this review that is an exaggeration). 6 microwaved Walmart mozzarella sticks were $12, which is absolutely unacceptable to the 10th degree. I ordered the veggie tacos, which were $13 for two bland tacos. There was no seasoning on the tacos at all and the minute I bit into them I thought to myself, "Wow! This is food that Pookie would eat!" and I was not wrong. The tacos were somehow more bland and stale than my white ex-boyfriend, whose mom would grill burgers without any seasoning. The drinks were actually reasonably priced unlike the rest of the offerings on the menu but they were absolute garbage. My friend ordered the bloody mary and it tasted like the Temu version V8. When the waiter came by, my friend told him that the bloody mary did not taste good, and he just stood there and was like, "Okay." What type of reaction is that? It appears that the people working here also do not know how bad their own food and drinks are, or maybe this is what white people eat on a daily basis.
I will now discuss the people who we encountered at Lazy Jack's. First of all, there was a couple sitting next to us who were giving us our own VIP exclusive showing of Fifty Shades of Grey. The guy was hand feeding food into the girl's mouth and she kept giving him a look that indicated the food wasn't going to be the only thing in her mouth that night. It was absolutely disgusting and nasty to witness this entire pornhub scene in person; this was not something we signed up for when we decided to eat at this sinful restaurant. During the afternoon, we stopped by for some drinks at Bili's. Our waiter was very nice and accommodating. However, at Lazy Jack's, we saw our Bili's waiter at the bar trying to rizz up two milfs. He was clearly trying to go home with them and he even touched one of their backs in a way that would've given me cooties. We had to witness this entire Euphoria scene for about 20 minutes, after which the milfs immediately left when our Bili's waiter touched their back. The day before, we had lunch at Duffy's, where there was a waiter there who looked like a middle school child who would get the establishment charged with a violation of child labor laws if someone reported his employment to the Department of Labor. At Lazy Jack's, we saw that exact same Duffy's waiter at the bar with his girlfriend. This was so confusing because they clearly let him in despite the fact that he is 15 years old, but my friend and I were almost carded when we tried to enter this nuclear bomb shelter. They also charged us $8 for a beer which is even worse than how much it would cost at the airport. Overall, we spent almost $200 on some mediocre drinks, a few Walmart frozen mozzarella sticks, and bland tacos that give me flashbacks to the type of food my white ex-boyfriend used to eat before I introduced him to oregano and parsley.
Overall, this was such a bad experience and we will not be returning. If this place shut down, it will probably increase the property value of the nearby properties. This place was absolute garbage, from the food to the waitstaff to the patrons. Disgustang. Lazy Jack's will give you such a big ick, even bigger than the one you get from dating stale white men.