Alex D.
Yelp
What can I say? I've had croissants and baked goods from the best of the best. I've had them all. In the early 2000s, I worked under Gontran Cherrier when he was doin his own show. If you don't know Cherrier, I don't blame ya, I wouldn't either, but this Frenchie practically perfected the croissant, along with a bunch of other baked delights that put a good hundo pounds on me by 2011. He owes me the cost of my gym membership. That'd be if I went to a gym.
So where was I...ah, yes...Emmer. Let me splain something to the younger crowds out on dis here YELP. Back in the day, Toronto was untarnished by "Boutique" bakeries. It was just the real deal. The best croissant was from a bombastic woman on Queen at a place called Clafouti. It was pure puffed perfection for my fat face. Nowadays you got these sterile white "boutique" joints with all-white walls and a staff that has the petulant attitude of a Swiss boarding school brat who's showing off his dad's Maserati. It ain't for Uncle Alex. I like my bakeries laid back as a cup of Joe.
So I waltz into Emmer after all this "TikTok" bought hype and guess what I see? A scattered half-full "this and that" collection of embarrassing pastries. I couldn't believe my eyes. Not full? This is a distinction between Toronto and REAL bakeries, from Paris to Palermo. In Toronto, they like ta do dis thing where things are "rare", "Sold out" before a certain time. Then they "limit orders." My fat face just laughs at these selling tactics.
Back in all my days of being a pastry connoisseur, that's a sure fire sign that ya ain't the real deal. Look, you gotta understand something...bakeries can always fully prep der dough and accoutrements the night before for a scaled up patronage. But dis ain't dat. It's Emmer trying to look cool. Cherrier wouldn't ever let his croissant rack dry up. It's an insult to the craft. You kidding me? Drying up by noon and you call yerself a patisserie?
OK, so l come back another day. I grab a slice of olive oil cake, a plain croissant and a flavoured croissant. Simple, nothing insane. I've already gained enough weight from Badiali's slices this week. Guess what the total came out to? $25.00 for 3 pastries. You kiddin me? My jaw had to be lifted from the floor, I felt like puking. Where am I? You won't FIND, no mattah how hard u try, in Paris, a good croissant over 3 Euros. You wanna know why? Well, do the math yerself, I ain't doin an algebra lesson over here.
You go to La Maison d'Isabelle in Paris, rated the NUMBER ONE croissant on this blue marble called Terra Earth and you know how much Isabelle Leday charges for her IMMACULATE croissant? ....1 euro. So OK, back to Emmer...we got this posh little nosh of bread and salt and butter for $4.50, no word of a lie, $5 bucks with tip and it's AWFUL. It doesn't hold a glass of Michigan tap water to the best of the best and they're charging DOUBLE. I can't help but laugh at this poor excuse of a bakery. And I can't help but cry for the foolish patrons who believe this is quality. This is quality like Gigis Pizza is a legit biz that doesn't move dope.
So I take an advance out on my house (if I owned a house) and fork up the 30 bones for the pastries. Couple of tings right off da bat....their portions are all off. Way too much butter. The density of these croissants would crush a '76 Chevy Impala under their weight. Their Olive Oil cake nearly made me gag. It was all poor quality oil and no flavour, no love. Look, I'm Sicilian. I know Olive Oil cake like the back of my hand. They're throwing so many pistachios on it, hoping it's gonna cover up the bland flat taste of the pastry.Here's anotha tip from Alex D., free of charge...if the bakery you go into is covering their pastries with an exorbitant amount of nuts, fruits, chocolate, make a 180. You know what Im sayin? Make a 180 and walk out because the pastry chefs are trying to cover something up, like they're Bush in 2001 or something.
This is the unfortunate state of Emmer. Bland, heavy pastries that would make my French friend and Italian ancestors weep in their pathetic effort. It might make it worth it if their staff were up to snuff. You know? Like make me smile while I get robbed from your patisserie. But no, the behind-the-counter staff person looked like they wanted me to choke on the dang thing. Fair enough. I'd want my patrons to choke, too. Spare myself the embarrassment of having a gouged patron with a pulse.
I miss simplicity and affordability in dis town. It used to have it. Now we have joints like Emmer, running the gambit of extortion and excess in the name of staking another nail in the coffin of epicurean delights and all dat jazz. I'm gonna need a cold shower after that experience. I feel embarrassed for myself.