"If you happen to be in the northern corner of Downtown, don’t feel like walking or driving, and have $300, then Theodore Rex exists. This semi-casual American small plates restaurant makes pretty good food, but the experience falls flat. Think esoteric food served at an agonizingly slow pace in a tiny industrial space. Theodore Rex is the second coming of Oxheart, a minimalist tasting menu-only restaurant that raised the bar for Houston dining in the early 2010s. But Theodore Rex is more like a Now That’s What I Call Music: 2015 Houston Dining edition roundup, with little new to offer into the 2020s. The staff describes the menu as seasonal, but fewer than 10 dishes have changed over the past two years. Flavors and ideas ping-pong wildly. Some dishes are pretty tasty, but others don’t work, like a mouth-numbing spicy musk melon soup, especially juxtaposed against a heavier (albeit delicious) hiramasa and eggplant dish. The flavors of each dish clash against one another. There’s no throughline, no connection. Appetizers arrive an agonizing 20 minutes apart. But then, the entrees (listed as “large” plates) show up all at once and require an awkward game of Tetris to fit on the small table. And yeah, maybe you can take control and ask for certain dishes to arrive together, but then what’s the point of charging an automatic 22% gratuity? If you have a lot of money to spend on dinner, you might be willing to overlook Theodore Rex's shortcomings. If you want an impressive meal that provides hospitality at all levels, we suggest checking out our list of Houston’s highest-rated restaurants instead. Because for a restaurant that is self-described as having a "little sense of humor" with a menu ripe for creative coursing, the only joke here is on you. Food Rundown Chilled Broth Of Musk Melon This dish is only for people who love spicy food because it is strip-your-tastebuds hot. It starts with a server dropping a glass carafe of chilled soup with a bouquet of herbs at your table, followed by chilled bowls to sip from some 10-20 minutes later. The spice level is a shocking start to any meal. If you can get past that, it’s refreshing. Otherwise we’d rather add tequila to this and call it a spicy margarita. Hiramasa Swimming in a nutty rich oil, this crudo of raw hiramasa with eggplant compressed in tangy caponata tastes wonderful. The silken texture and depth of flavor make it one of our favorite dishes on the menu. photo credit: Raphael Brion Tomato Toast The tomato toast is savory and buttery and has umami and acid, and it’s obvious why it's a constant. This has been on the menu since the beginning, except now you get to put the tomato on the toast yourself. Soured Pork Sausage This dish is both pretty and a pretty severe detour from the rest of the menu, like eating a Mondrian painting that’s incredibly sour. The aesthetics are the most important part of the dish, and the Thai sausage is a punch to the palate. Boiled Dumplings These taste exactly like Hamburger Helper’s beef stroganoff. That’s not an insult, but it is something to consider as it costs $28, compared to $2 for Hamburger Helper plus sub-10 bucks for a pound of beef. photo credit: Raphael Brion Tagliolini Basically buttered noodles, where you look at the plate and wonder if they forgot something. The al dente pasta is cooked nicely, but the oyster liquor sauce and raw shallot mignonette are delicate but underwhelming. Sweet Melted Onions We think this would’ve been better advertised as a side dish. It’s delicious and sweet, with a great crunch and caramelized flavor. It would taste incredible next to the beef dish, but on its own, it feels one-note. photo credit: Raphael Brion Roasted Cap Of Beef Despite being expensive ($75) for the size, this dish is excellent. The beef, the jus roti, and the mushrooms are all perfectly cooked. Although small, the tender cut of beef packs an incredible earthy flavor." - Chelsea Thomas
